June 1995

What Did You Say?: The Art of Giving and Receiving Feedback

Edith's 6-year-old daughter, Becky, followed Edith's every footstep as she frantically prepared for her dinner party that evening. Becky chattered continuously about dolls, about friends but Edith had long since stopped paying attention. At the height of preparation, Becky dropped her glass of milk all over the kitchen floor. In an instant rage, Edith turned to her daughter and barked, "Becky, I am desperate to get this dinner together and just look at the mess you've made!" Becky, who was kneeling beside the disaster, looked up at Edith with huge, confident eyes. "Mommy," she observed, "you are angry because I spilled the milk, but you still love me, don't you?"

• Receiving Feedback
• Giving Feedback
• Book Review

Receiving Feedback. The authors of What Did You Say? tell this true story to illustrate an effective model for receiving feedback. To be absolutely sure of her mother's feedback, Becky first directed Edith to the facts of the incident and her behavior (Say What You Heard and Saw). Then Becky expressed her belief that their everlasting relationship was not changed (Announce Your Interpretation). Finally, she asked Edith to verify her interpretation (Ask For Confirmation), which Edith couldn't resist doing by sweeping Becky up in her arms for a reassuring hug.

Giving Feedback. Giving feedback can be more difficult than receiving feedback. The authors observe that you can't effectively give emotionally difficult feedback unless you understand the source of your difficult emotions. Consider the supervisor who keeps putting off an appraisal review because an employee continues doing something that's unacceptable. The failure of the supervisor to provide feedback may be the result of one of the following survival beliefs that many people learn as children:

• If I mention this, there will be a conflict, and I can't deal with conflict.
• I'm lucky to have what little I have, and I might lose it if I ask for more.
• If I talk openly, then they'll find out what I'm really like, and that would be terrible.
• If I tell them, they won't love me; then they'll leave me; then I'll die.
• If I'm direct, they'll never do what I want.
• If I tell them, then we'll get closer, and when I get close to someone, I get hurt.

Book Review. This book is written for a wide audience and each chapter highlights important facts about feedback with exercises designed to provide experience at giving and receiving feedback. A bibliography of seminal pieces on feedback is included in an appendix. The book can be a valuable aid to supervisors who should be providing continuous feedback to subordinates on their performance. The book may be especially useful to organizations using 360-degree appraisal and/or working in teams. Coaches, personnelists, and facilitators can use the feedback exercises provided to help people understand the intricate process of communicating clearly. There is even an outline of an interaction workshop.

The most critical skill required for effective performance management is good communications, which includes giving and receiving feedback. It is also one of the basic interpersonal skills needed by all employees when moving to teams. Provides practical information and exercises to help improve those skills.